Library Card Clearance

I never paid much attention to anything in high school regarding schoolwork. Oh sure, I loved going to art class every day and attempting to create a female equivalent to Michaelangelo’s ‘David’, but when it came to the math, science, history, government, economics, and literature portion I wasn’t a huge fan. Oh and typing. That class was total bull. (Sidenote: I was allowed to skip typing after I challenged the teacher to a type-off with her using her Mavis Beacon crap method and me using what I like to call 2-Finger-Magic. Don’t use that term anywhere else though, people will give you looks.)

I always put off assignments in my classes, generally not getting them done until late the night before they were due or worse, day of. My friend Dailey always looked out for me though and would remind me of any assignments that might require slightly more attention than most people give to making Easy Mac. (Another sidenote: I ruined our microwave one time by putting in Easy Mac without any water. The 3-year-old kid with down syndrome on the box can do it but not me.)

One day Dailey pointed out to me a paper that we had due that required 3 non-internet sources. Since the school day was over and the school library was closed, I had no choice but to head down to our city library to find my reading materials. I got there, parked, admired the various mediocre sculptures from local artists who’s mothers had told them they were special one too many times, then went inside. Thanks to the plethora of books my mother kept at our house I only needed one from the library.

I can’t remember now what my topic was, but I searched for it and found the book I needed. It was a children’s book, mostly pictures, but it gave a few facts on every page as well. I doubted my teacher would put any more effort into checking the credibility of my sources than her $6.50/hour paycheck would force her to, so I decided to go ahead and use it.  I carried my book up to the counter where a smiling elderly woman was waiting.

Elderly Woman: Hello there, young man. (seeing the book) Interesting choice for someone your age isn’t it?

Me: Yes ma’am, but don’t worry I’m on the advanced reading level so it’s cool.

EW: Do you have your library card?

Me: No ma’am, I’ve never checked out a book here, so I’ll need to get a card.

EW: Oh wonderful! Always great to have new readers. So where is your mom?

Me: (surprised) I don’t know, where’s yours?

EW: (not smiling anymore) You’ll need your mom’s permission to get a library card if you’re not 18.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. I don’t know how it works everywhere but at our local library you cannot get your own library card until you are 18. I pondered this for a second before politely verbalizing my concerns.

Me: What the hell is the matter with you?! You’re telling me I can drive myself to see some R-rated movie involving God only knows what, but I can’t check out ‘Spot Goes To The Bank’?!

EW: That’s right. And I don’t like your tone.

Me: Well I don’t like how I’m not going to have any social security money because of you. I can legally quit school at 16. So you’re saying I have a right to deny myself a formal education but not to check out a book?

EW:  That’s right. Please return this to the shelf and leave.

I walked away from the counter, not sure if I could believe it. I put the book back and started to walk out of the library, defeated. Just then, fate walked up. Alright not fate, but some freshman clarinet player I knew from band that had a crush on me.

Me: Hey Stephanie, going to check out a book?

Stephanie: Yeah.  You?

Me: Well I was going to but I don’t have a library card. I’m not on the best of terms with the library right now anyway.

Stephanie: Oh, well if you need me to check out a book for you I can.

I knew there was a reason that hot freshmen existed. And it wasn’t so their sophomore boyfriends could pass me in the halls and grin at me with that look of “You only wish, man.”

I ran to get the book and gave it to Stephanie. I walked right up with her to the same counter I had been at before, a huge grin across my face. The old lady wasn’t so happy to see me or my book, but bound by her oath as a librarian she reluctantly checked the book out to Stephanie, who immediately turned and handed it to me.

Me: Thanks a lot Stephanie. I’ll drop the book off here tomorrow afternoon.

I got home and wrote my paper without a problem. I turned it in the next day and got a great grade. As for the book, when I started writing this article I pulled it back out of the last place I remembered leaving it, and I’m flipping through it now. Some quick work on a calculator shows me that Stephanie probably owes around $325 in late fees right now.

Josh