One of my favorite things about living in the good old U.S. of A. is Wal-Mart. They have literally any possible thing you could ever need to get through life. Not only can you get all your shopping done there, you can get a haircut, manage your finances, have a portrait taken, eat a tasty Subway sandwich, and play the demo Xbox 360 for free all day long. One day I want to make use of all of their services and get their little bank to loan me like $20 to cover the cost of a haircut and a portrait of me playing the demo Xbox 360 while eating a Subway sandwich. I have way too much time on my hands.
Anyway, like all good shoppers, I impulse buy whenever possible. This is a bad call at Wal-Mart though because you never know what you’re going to end up buying. At a gas station or something it’s a safe bet that you might pick up a candy bar on your way out, but at Wal-Mart you could be going home with 10 goldfish and industrial strength Rogaine. (I don’t know why Rogaine. Maybe you want to see if you can make hair grow on something it doesn’t normally grow on. Like 10 goldfish.)
So a few years ago I was at my local Wal-Mart just starting to leave when I saw a bunch of Slip ‘n’ Slides stacked up beside the door. I don’t know about you but I’m pretty sure hurling my body down onto a slippery yellow tarp, steadily gaining speed as I plummet towards a tiny pool of water that has nowhere near enough depth to stop my momentum, only to realize this as I fly into the grass, is the best possible thing that can happen to $30. In case you didn’t follow all that I just meant I bought the Slip ‘n’ Slide.
The lady at the register gave me a creepy look as I put my Slip ‘n’ Slide and Rogaine on the counter.
Me: Oh, haha, I have a 6-year-old little sister.
That sentence is true.
Me: I bought the Slip ‘n’ Slide so she could play with it.
That sentence is not true.
I got my slide home and immediately took it outside to play. I had gotten one of the fancy ones where you hook up the hose and the slide has little water jets that keep the tarp continuously wet. I connected the hose and turned the water on. The majesty of those tiny little jets spraying water will stay with me forever. It was around this time that the first of the neighbors started to come outside and look at me strangely. Eh whatever, they just wanted me to invite them over.
To give you an idea of my setup, picture this. Imagine a perfectly level, smooth, grassy yard. Now slant that yard at about a 20 degree tilt, take away the grass, and add some rocks and a hole that I dug a long time ago thinking I would make it to China. Then put a Slip ‘n’ Slide on top of that. It doesn’t take a Doctorate in Physics to know that your average 130-pound idiot sliding down a frictionless plane isn’t just going to come to a pleasant stop whenever he wants to.
I would say I probably made it about 25-30 feet past the end of the slide. It was hard to tell because I went headfirst so I was semi-unconscious as soon as I broke through the tiny pool at the end. I sort of coasted along a bunch of tiny rocks before I actually started rolling, and then that carried me to my final stopping place. My mom got home and found me about 20 minutes later, a bloody, muddy, delirious mess. I was bleeding pretty badly from a cut on my knee, so my mom decided to take me to the emergency room. She didn’t ask me about the Slip ‘n’ Slide. She didn’t have to. She just knew.
Once we got there they checked me in and asked me what happened. There’s really no good way for a 17-year-old to tell anyone he messed himself up on a Slip ‘n’ Slide that he not only bought but was playing with alone, but that’s what I did. I told the lady at check-in, I told the call nurse, I told the nurse that prepped me, and of course I told the doctor as she came in to stitch me up. At first none of them believed me and would look to my mom for a better answer. She would just sort of look away. I’m not sure if she was more disappointed that I spent a bunch of money on a Slip ‘n’ Slide or that I didn’t have the common sense to not question my ability to use a Slip ‘n’ Slide. I’m gonna say both.
I ended up getting five stitches in my knee because I had cut a blood vessel. Kids at school asked me what happened and I made up various stories. Some kids heard about my mountain biking accident, some kids heard about how I rescued a kid out of a well, and some just heard that I was suicidal but didn’t know where to cut myself. My mom threw away the Slip ‘n’ Slide and told me I was never allowed to play with one again. My knee still has the scar, but when I look at it now it doesn’t remind me of the pain and agony associated with what happened, but with the 2.6 seconds of joy I experienced before that. And it kind of makes me want to go buy one of those giant Moonbounce things.
Josh
Filed under: humor, personal | Tagged: slip n slide, stitches, walmart
ohh you. this made me laugh
oh, and ” Kids at school asked me what happened and I made up various stories.” – hahahaha nice. you did that on purpose didnt you?
i’m pretty sure the version i got included that u were playing with abby on it, not alone oh josh.
haha I used to have one of those. Very anticlimactic. I was fortunate enough to never sustain any real injuries. However, Joshie, you going boom made giggle so much i now have the hiccups.
I’m glad your knee injury didn’t throw off your game! This is my favorite post because it reminds me of my own childhood slip ‘n’ slide experiences. As a child, anything that makes you look death in the eye will automatically lead to an afternoon of fun!