Dinner and a Show

Since I am a college student, and both of my roommate are college students, the average maturity level around our apartment is somewhere near zero. To give you a better idea, here’s a few things we have lying around: A giant ‘welcome’ sign we stole from a dorm the first week of classes, a poster of the actual Burger King, 3 kegs, 3 Xbox 360’s and around 50 games, and a giant fort made out of pizza boxes. We’re hoping to add a guest bedroom to it after the Super Bowl.

The other night the three of us were sitting around flipping back and forth between Mythbusters and My Sweet Sixteen when Roommate One mentioned that he was hungry. Roommate Two agreed, but I had just had a few pieces of the cookie cake I had gone to Wal-Mart and gotten earlier for no special occasion other than it costs like $4 and it’s delicious, so I said I would pass on food. The roommates decided to order some chinese food and began sifting through the countless chinese delivery menus we find rubber-banded to our doorknob every week. There really is no point in paying a gate fee to our apartment complex if the gate doesn’t kill trespassers on contact.

Roomate One: So I think we should order from China City.

Roommate Two: No I want to order from Grand China.

Me: Why don’t you each order from your own place and shut the hell up, they’re trying to prove the myth that girls can’t get pregnant if they’re on top and I can’t hear it at all.

(Ok the Mythbusters will probably never actually test that myth but I’ve been submitting it on their site every day for the last two years anyway.)

Roommate One: Ok that’s fine. Hey what if the delivery guys get here at the same time?

It all dawned on us at the same time: Kung Fu Battle at our front door.

Each of the roommates immediately called their respective restaurants and placed their orders, making sure to specify to “send a chinese guy.” Now there was nothing left to do except wait for the fight. We each speculated as to who may win the fight, basing our arguments only on the information given on each menu.

Roommate One: Well China City was rated the #1 chinese restaurant in the county, so my guy will own your guy.

Roommate Two: Pssh, well my guy’s company doesn’t have MSG.

Roommate One: Exactly. MSG stands for Masculinity, Stamina, and Greatness. Your guy doesn’t have it. Bitch.

About that time there was a knock on the door. We all got quiet and walked over, and Roommate One opened it. There stood a lean, athletic, chinese guy. Things were going just as planned.

We had anticipated that there might be a slight delay between the two deliveries arriving, so we had prepared a few tactics to stall whichever arrived first.

Me: So, what part of China are you from?

Delivery Guy #1: Shanghai.

Me: Oh cool, that’s where Bruce Lee was from.

Delivery Guy #1: No it’s not. Bruce Lee born in America. You stupid.

Me: (defeated) Ouch.

Fortunately the embarrassment didn’t last too long, since our gate buzzer went off again. Roommate One pushed the button to open the gate and the anticipation heightened. Thinking back on it now we all immediately quit talking so that delivery guy was just standing there in silence waiting to get paid. Eh, whatever, he called me stupid.

We heard the footsteps coming up the stairs. Each of us looked back and forth at each other, then to Delivery Guy #1, hoping he had stretched in preparation for the battle. The footsteps got closer, louder, until finally Delivery Guy #2 turned the corner. Only she wasn’t a guy. And she wasn’t chinese. And this is just a shot in the dark, but she probably wasn’t a Kung Fu master either. I’m not one of those well-trained weight-guessing carnival workers, but I would peg her as somewhere in the 325 pound range. She was about 5′3″, wearing pants that were way too tight and glasses that had to have been borrowed from Helen Keller. Roommate Two was not happy.

Roommate Two: What the hell?! I specifically requested a chinese guy! This is not the kind of service I expect from Grand China!

None of us had even noticed that by this time Delivery Guy #1 had just left, not even bothering to try and get his money. My roommate reluctantly paid Delivery GIRL #2 and we all went back to our seats disappointed. There was no Kung Fu Battle at our apartment that night. There was nothing but disappointment. Disappointment and the Mythbusters.

Josh