Vegetarians – a.k.a. The Incredibly Insane

There’s a reason I decided to enroll in an institution of higher learning. It wasn’t for the vast amount of knowledge I’ll receive while there, nor the pride and honor I will feel on graduation day, knowing I’ve accomplished a trying and dutiful task. No, I enrolled so that I could collect all of the ridiculous propaganda crap people try to hand me as I walk by, hoping one day some of it might be interesting enough to turn into decent blog material. Well my friends, that day has come.

It was about 9:15 this morning as I strolled out of the student center, chicken biscuit in hand, and started to make my way towards my first class. Up ahead there was a table set up, with a lady standing behind it and pamphlets strewn across it. Yes strewn. I’m trying to bring some sophistication to Parmesan.

The lady looked innocent enough. She was wearing normal people clothes, and had her hair done a normal person way. She seemed to be speaking nicely to the people passing by her, and she wasn’t even too pushy when handing out her pamphlets. But then she saw me. And my biscuit. And it all went to Hell.

Crazy Vegetarian Lady: Do you know that every year 9 billion chickens are killed for human consumption???

Me: Well this one is delicious.

CVL: How would you feel as a mother chicken watching your young one torn away from you and slaughtered?

Me: Well why don’t they kill the mother first anyway? You know, ladies first; age before beauty. There isn’t one witty saying that would lead me to believe the mother chicken shouldn’t go down first.

CVL: (incredibly frustrated) Well maybe reading this pamphlet will change your mind. I hope one day you wake up and realize God created animals to live wonderful lives, just like us.

Me: Well maybe smelling this biscuit will make you wake up and realize God gave us teeth so we could tear through beef tenderloin.

I decided to go ahead and take the pamphlet. It was really a win-win; The lady felt like she accomplished something, and I got to share with you the miracle that is “Why Vegetarian? Boycott Cruelty!” Let’s delve inside, shall we?

First off, I firmly believe that whoever put this pamphlet together decided not only to never eat meat, but just to never eat again. I would throw my future firstborn into Mount Doom to get these images out of my head; I can’t even imagine having to copy/paste them into a pamphlet then watch them get printed out 10 million times. Some of this stuff looks like haunted house reject props. That said, they should’ve just made an 8×10 of of any one of these photos and I would’ve signed up for veggies then and there, but once they put in all the words they started to lose me. Take for instance, this excerpt: “Inside the densely populated buildings, enormous amounts of waste accumulate. The resulting ammonia levels cause painful burns to the birds’ skin, eyes, and respiratory tracts.”

My rebuttal: Nobody eats the eyes or the respiratory tracts. And you cook the skin anyway. I don’t know about the rest of you but I would imagine shoving a bird carcass into a vat of hot grease burns it slightly more than raised ammonia levels. Then again I’m not a doctor.

Then there’s a picture of a dead pig in the middle of the floor with the caption “A rotting corpse left in the aisle between pens of live pigs.”

My rebuttal: That says nothing for the living conditions of that pig. He’s dead. All that shows is the laziness of the workers there. One of them should pick him up and get the process going. Maybe then it wouldn’t take Denny’s so long to bring my damn bacon.

The best has to be this line, right beside a chicken with a f***ed up beak: “The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?”

My rebuttal: The question is not Can you fry them? nor, Can you bake them? but, Can I have seconds? And no, that particular one can’t talk because he has a f***ed up beak.

My point is that we are natural meat eaters. If people decide to be vegetarians, more power to them. But when they try and make me feel like a heartless bastard for eating turkey just like my ancestors did, that crosses the line. They’re hypocrites anyway. At the end of the pamphlet there is a list of alternatives you can eat to avoid meat. One dessert on the list is Vegan Pie. Well I don’t know about you guys but I have never met a Vegan that wasn’t made out of meat. So there.

Josh