Googlefight Round One…er…Part 2

Before you even start this post, check out the Googlefight Opening Ceremonies and the hellacious Round One.

In today’s matchup we have both the Movies and Fads arenas. While the hype surrounding these two categories may not be as widespread as with the Muppets, each of these 16 competitors has proven his worth and right to be here, and I’m sure the fights will be just as interesting. In a surprise move, Chill Factor, starring Skeet Ulrich and Cuba Gooding Jr., made it into the Big 32, and here to represent their film are the stars themselves.

Me: So, guys, Chill Factor is up against Fern Gully. How do you think this matchup will go?

CGJ: Show me the money!

SU: I don’t have any money.

Me: Haha ok you kidders. I’ve gotta say, I really liked Chill Factor. A premise where if a bomb gets too warm it explodes, I mean that’s original stuff. Some people have written about bombs that can’t get too slow, or bombs that have to be handled carefully or something, but the temperature? That’s bulletproof guys. Really.

CGJ: I was an ice cream truck driver in this movie. I love ice cream!

SU: I can’t afford ice cream. Nobody hires me. My name is Skeet.

So once again, the pre-fight interview may not have given us much information, but the competitors are ready to go. LET’S GET IT ON!

Movies

Chill Factor: 213,000 - Fern Gully: 132,000

Masters Of The Universe: 2.7 million - From Justin To Kelly: 2.12 million

The Devil Wears Prada: 1.81 million - Freddy vs. Jason: 903,000

Flubber: 908,000 - Battlefield Earth: 280,000

So no big surprises in this first round. Of course Masters Of The Universe absolutely dominated everything, because Dolph Lundgren is a god among men and his films are made of nothing but precious metals and the combined toughness of Rambo, Van Damme, and Jesus. Chill Factor surprised me, but Fern Gully was always iffy, especially with the tranny-sounding Tone-Loc providing the voice of the lizard. Freddy vs. Jason was one of the worst things to come out of Horror Hollywood since I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, and let’s just face it, The Devil Wears Prada was a good damn movie. As for Flubber and Battlefield Earth, I’ve gotta say I was pulling for Battlefield. This movie will show up many times on this blog, mainly because I can’t imagine how many souls the director promised Satan in order to get him to take away the acting talent of literally every person in the project. (Oh that’s right, just each and every last Scientologist.)

Well with all other arenas finished with their rounds, we move to Fads. The general concensus seems to be that Fads aren’t that interesting of an arena, and that nobody really gives a damn whether there are more hits for PF Flyers or Mood rings, but that’s comedy writing guys. Sometimes it’s just not pretty. You may not think you care about who will win that battle, but we all know that the next time you’re watching The Sandlot and Benny reaches for that shoebox you’re going to jump up and yell “Mood rings trump all, motha fucka!” Or maybe you won’t But it’s time to find out. Googlefight!

Fads

PF Flyers: 117,000 - Mood rings: 398,000

Slap bracelets: 41,200 - Weebles: 224,000

Pet rocks: 314,000 - Tamagatchi: 6,870*

Beanie Babies: 245,000 - Windbreakers: 304,000

Mood rings trump all, motha fucka! Literally. PF Flyers went down hard, along with slap bracelets and Tamagatchi. I’m really disappointed in Tamagatchi. You would think out of the 37 billion asian people on the planet and the mandatory three websites each one of them must have, that Tamagatchi would be more popular. I guess digital pets weren’t really the focus of communism. The shocker has to be windbreakers over beanie babies. Obviously windbreaker is a pretty generic term that going to get a lot of hits, but I mean at one point I had more beanie babies than the world’s collective disappointment in Jamie Lynn Spears. Sort of gives me a newfound respect for Member’s Only.

Well I guess that wraps up today’s fights. I’ve gotta say, there are a few competitors I’m really sad to see go. Maybe I’ll host a loser’s bracket alongside the Tournament of Champions. Nah, because that would basically be a Tournament of Losers and the Bowl Championship Series has already trademarked that name for the annual National Title game (I’m sorry but there was no reason on God’s green earth for LSU to play in that game). Anyway, check back later for some other updates and the soon-to-take-place Round 2 of the Googlefight Tournament of Champions, hosted here on Parmesan Fleas.

Josh

* An eagle-eyed reader realized that I spelled Tamagotchi incorrectly when I hosted its Googlefight. It turns out that Tamagotchi, when spelled correctly, gets 3.59 million results on Googlefight, pushing it well above Pet rocks. Now for the apologies: First, I would like to apologize to Tamagotchi themselves; I never should’ve accepted that you would have so few hits. Next, to my readers, who expect more from me. Third, to asian people; I knew you cared about those little guys. And lastly, to communism; Maybe digital pets really is what it’s all about.

The plus side is that now we have a true number for Tamagotchi hits and can thus calculate the true number of asian people. Using my formula that each asian person must have three websites, and that we can assume every website says something about Tamagotchi, the true number of asian people is 3.59 million websites divided by three. So there’s actually only like 1.2 million asian people. Someone at their census bureau needs to be fired.