Googlefight Round One

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the first round of the Googlefight Tournament of Champions, hosted here at Parmesan Fleas. Our competitors have been training long and hard to earn top spot in the competition, and each has an equal chance at glory. If you missed out on the opening ceremonies, get caught up here. Today’s matches will take place in two arenas, People and Muppets. I had a chance to speak to one of our competitors just before he started warming up:

Me: So, Chuck Norris, how do you feel about your matchup with Carrot Top?

CN: My tears can cure cancer. Too bad I’ve never cried.

Me: Haha yeah, I love those Chuck Norris facts too. Seriously though, how have you prepared for this fight?

CN: I can impregnate a woman just by pointing at her and saying ‘Booyah!’

Me: Uh, yeah. Do you just recite Chuck Norris facts now?

CN: Vote for Mike Huckabee!

Ok so the interview didn’t really go so well. Regardless, LET’S GET IT ON!

People:

Chuck Norris: 14.8 million - Carrot Top: 252,000

Richard Simmons: 214,000 - The Pope: 10.6 million

William H. Macy: 272,000 - Joe Rogan: 132,000

Avril Lavigne: 26.4 million - Anna Nicole Smith: 4.8 million

Well in reference to the first round of competition, all I can say is “well done googlefight”. We all knew Chuck Norris would overtake Carrot Top, and since Joe Rogan is generally regarded as the biggest jackass of all time, William H. Macy had no problem trumping him. The Pope has Jesus in his corner, and since Richard Simmons is a flaming homosexual, that round was pretty easily predicted as well. As far the girl fight goes, I guess more people care about a terribly annoying, untalented, worthless singer than they do a terribly annoying, untalented, worthless porn star. Yeah I said it.

The fights within the Muppet arena may be a little trickier. Of course many would naturally assume that the Sesame Street cast will kick ass and take no prisoners, but never underestimate the popularity of a Fraggle. Seriously, I will give $1000 to the first person who can honestly say they don’t know all the words to “Down At Fraggle Rock”. LET’S FIGHT!

Muppets

Telly Monster: 46,100 - Gobo: 1.54 million

Big Bird: 6.78 million - Wembley: 9.08 million

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: 9,260 - Count Von Count: 760,000

Aloysius Snuffleupagus: 5,250 - Statler: 2.42 million

Wow. I mean, wow. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about the Fraggles. The entire Sesame Street cast was completely wiped out with the exception of the immigrant. Well done Count. I’ve got to give props to Honeydew though; I didn’t even think he would break 5,000. And for those of you who say that Snuffleupagus would’ve gotten more hits if I had simply called him that, take it up with his mom, I didn’t name him.

Well that about does it for the first round of competition with People and Muppets. There was a lot of blood shed here at Parmesan today, but sometimes all you need is a little blood. I don’t even know what that last sentence means unless we’re talking about gunshot victims or something. Anyway, be sure to check back soon for the first round of fights in the Movies and Fads arenas. I bet Pet Rocks takes all.

Josh